Just a warning that this is probably going to be pretty lengthy. I invite you to hang in there with me, this is truly a blog post from the heart. I don’t know where to start even though I’ve written this post a million times in my head over the past week. I guess I’ll start with some recent observations…
Last night I carried my 4-year-old off to bed for the last time. The. Last. Time. You see, today is her fifth birthday and she is truly growing up faster than I can control. 5 years old, can it really be true?
Last night, we had awful storms in our area. We had over a foot of rain. Lightning lit up the sky like a strobe light and kept on for hours. I think we finally went to sleep around 4:00 am and got up at 7:45. It was around 9:30 last night that my 4-year-old, sleepy eyed crept quietly into our room. The loud thunder woke her from her almost 2 hour sleep. She snuggled with me in bed for about two seconds before she was sound asleep again. Sleeping so peacefully in my arms when all the chaos of crashing thunder, lightning and a violent downpour surrounded us.
This morning peace, stillness, a strange serene feeling. I’m sitting in my bed, laptop in my lap looking at pictures from her first birthday:
How quickly time passes. How this day is almost a blur, just a collection of memories I am so grateful for taking the time to capture. A day paused for a moment.
Anyway, that thought brings me to this. Before my now five-year-old was even born, I started HollyDays. It has been such a blessing in my life. I have met so many wonderful people throughout the eight years (YES, EIGHT YEARS) of the business.
Somehow, even with the years of experience under my belt, something isn’t right anymore. I have felt this tug on my heart for about a year now, not knowing what it was but knowing God wanted me to change something. I don’t know how to put all my thoughts and conclusions into words except, I would like to press the pause button.
I don’t know exactly how to describe what is going to happen, but for now we are not going to be processing any further orders. Jen and I had a long, tearful talk last week. I want to be able to take the summer “off” to spend with my daughter in what will be her last summer before she starts big kid school. She is so excited about it. I feel like as moms, we try to take on so many responsibilities, more than we are even capable of accomplishing. We are bombarded with images on Pinterest, Instagram, Facebook, that show how beautiful a busy, “successful” life can be, but do you see how many times I tell my daughter “hold on just a second, I’ll be right there”? It’s not because of cooking dinner, cleaning a toilet or folding clothes, it’s because I’m trying to rush an order out the door or reply to emails that are piling up in my inbox. In fact, even when I am not working, my thoughts are often on the business because it’s impossible to close your office door at home and turn off your work-at-home-mom-brain. If anyone hasn’t told you before, running a small business isn’t as easy as it should be. Overhead expenses, time-sucking responsibilities, late nights that aren’t so glamorous. Profit isn’t as quite as beautiful as you’d imagine either unless I am truly working those late nights every night and I’m not willing to trade my family for money. In fact, we’ve been trying to grow our family for three years, with no success. Maybe it’s God’s will for us to be a one child family or maybe He is asking for me to be faithful in little, so I can be faithful in much. I hope the latter is true.
We aren’t going away completely. You will still be able to get HollyDays products through online retailers (so grateful for that opportunity, that I took for granted way too long, until now) I love blogging, I love sharing and connecting with our truly amazing clients (that’s what kept me from doing this a long time ago). However, right now God is calling me to sit peacefully in his arms and be faithful to His call. I once read something from a mom saying how at the end of her days, she wished she “enjoyed the doing a little more” instead of the “getting it done”. That’s where I am. I am ready to enjoy the doing. Ready to truly be the Proverbs 31 woman I want to be. The woman God desires me to be. Glad he’s still working on me. Ready to see where he leads me.
With that, I want to say thank you. Thank you to my MANY wonderful clients through the years. I have loved working with you. To Jen, you are amazing. I don’t have words to express how thankful I am for the help you have been to me, to HollyDays, to our clients. Yes, I’m tearing up again. I’ll miss talking to you weekly and brainstorming with you. You have truly been a blessing. Thank you, sweet friend.
And thank you for hanging in through this long, emotional, probably-too-much-info post. I’m grateful for you.